I met a bunch of Bladers in London - we watched the film, had drinks, and were constantly disturbed by rugby Six Nations fans at the pub as England thrashed Italy 57-14.
The film begins with cool guy hero & Chief Hiccup and his pals freeing other dragons from slaver warlords - they suck at stealth so like every "stealth" mission they end up having a fight and everyone pulls out their cool looking weapons start swinging. However this is a kiddie movie, so everyone's using their pommels and hilt-spamming and nobody even so much as gets a cut.
Of course the heroes win, and they all go home to Berk, which is starting to look like Papua New Guinea, what with all the rescued dragons being there. The slaver warlords finally recruit the one non-retard in the entire universe who decides to Samson-and-Delilah Hiccup's dragon Toothless, who is the alpha of alphas and is able to instinctively command all the other dragons, and thereby gain control of the entire dragon flock for themselves.
Lite Fury (the Delilah of this metaphor) seduces Toothless, and they fuck off to the edge of the world (where dragons originally came from) to make babies. Mr. Villain 100 Sneaks into Berk and lets himself be 'caught' in Hiccup's pretty shitty trap, and then reveals his evil slave dragons who immediately burn down most of Berk.
Hiccup decides to pussy out despite having a literal army of dragons, and plans to take everyone in Berk to the edge of the world, where they can be dragon hippies without the world interfering. They make their way to the next island along where they rest. Hiccup's mum doubles back to scout and see if they've been followed, and discovered the warlords have occupied old Berk.
Hiccup's A Team decide to fly back and capture the mastermind to end the movie 70 minutes early, but they fall into a trap on Berk and Mr. Evil unleashes his slave dragons' acid breath. All the main characters instantly become more agile than Legolas and easily acrobatics their way out, but they accidentally leave behind one of the team.
Hiccup gets lonely without Toothless and flies off the edge of the world with his best female friend. There's like dragon eggs everywhere and its all glowing like Blackreach from Skyrim if all the nirnroots decided to throw a gay parade. Toothless and Lite Fury do a Lion King where they big dick all the other dragons to show their dominance, but Hiccup & to-be-wife spook the dragons by their presence and are returned by Toothless to New Berk.
Amazingly, and totally not a trap-ly, that one person they left behind at Old Berk is released and makes it back to New Berk. Mr. Evil immediately follows with his army and takes both Lite Fury and Toothless prisoner. The entire flock follows the only two dragons we care about into captivity.
Chiefguy Hiccup is sad but gets his +10 morale boost from his not-yet-wife, gives an inspiring speech and use their Viking wingsuits to glide onto the warlords' ships, where they fight and win. Chiefguy marries his woman, and tells the dragons to go away and live in peace at the edge of the world. Many years later when everyone has kids, Hiccup takes tiny Hiccup to meet Toothless and tiny Toothless.
It's a kids film so all the goodies have plot armour, and dealing 157 blunt damage is only a KO, he'll be fine when he wakes up
There are a few adult memes in there for the parents
Only two things piss me off:
- The slave dragons are controlled BY THEIR OWN VENOM, which is fucking stupid. Just think of all the accidental suicides that might happen if that was the case in nature.
- One of Chief Hiccup's pals (same age) has a serious crush on Hiccup's mum. Nice.